I am ready for Spring! I can't wait to get outside, plant flowers, finish my deck and enjoy the pool. I neeeeeed Spring!

xo

Sometimes you have to find the humor in bad situations and take your victories where you can. My family made the trip north to take my sister for a PET scan, blood work and ultrasounds yesterday. Of course we were all clueless about what this whole process would entail, but we're all raring to go. Suzi is taking all this in, keeping her spirits up and of course maintaining her faith.

When we first met with the specialist in Lexington, Suzi and the whole family was as nervous a bunch of people could be. I think this doctor is going to be fantastic. He fits in with our family perfectly... You can't help but laugh at a colorectal surgeon who has a huge deer ass hanging on the wall of his office.

I'll update more as I can. We meet with the oncologists tomorrow.

xo

Ok... I spoke too soon.

March is being true to the old saying of coming in like a lion... I don't know exactly. Anyway.

I'm being optimistic, but damnnation.... It's getting harder and harder to understand why my family and I are being tested so harshly.

My sister was diagnosed with colon cancer today. As she, her husband, my mom, my stepfather, my husband and I crowded into the small doctor's room we already knew what he was going to tell us. I held her hand and prayed that I was wrong. I prayed that he wouldn't deliver the news that was about to crush our family with just one word.

She's 23 years old. She is such a beautiful spirit. She and her husband have an adorable 3 year old son. She just graduated college in December and started teaching in January. They have just gotten their house built, so when she started feeling bad a few months ago she simply wrote it off as stress.

She is meeting with a specialist tomorrow. Amazingly enough, they were able to see her right away. The doctors don't think the cancer is too far advanced, but of course they won't know until they actually do the surgery to remove the mass. Hopefully we'll know more tomorrow.

Whatever the prognosis, I'll be there... holding her hand.

xo

February was absolutley the longest month ever... the twenty nine days has felt like a lifetime.

I still have my job, which is a good thing. The not so good part is not knowing what you're walking in to every morning. One step forward, two steps back has taken on a whole new meaning.

The best friend issue is not so much an issue anymore. My final straw was being cussed to high heavens.. on Valentine's Day, of all days... over a lie the gf told him. After getting past the initial shock and hurt, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've known this man for years. We've stuck through the good times and bad. If any one knows me aside from my husband.. my thought processes, things I would do and would not do, my heart... its him. So for him to believe that I had done the things she accused me of without even asking me first...it was devestating. It made me realize that I don't even want him around, even if their relationship crashes. Just after the V'day blow up, she sent me a message saying that she was laughing her f'ing ass off. Admission of guilt? I think so. Honestly, I expect to hear the news of them getting married just anytime now.

Moving on...

March is going to be beautiful. I'm giving my kitchen a makeover. YeaY! It's a little funky, but its going to be fabulous. I'll post some pics when its finished. I'm de-junking my clutter and freeing my spirit. March is going to be beautiful :)

Have a fun day people!

xo

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm an emotional person. I care about people. I care about things. I CARE. Period. I see beyond the exterior and the outside personas into the bare bones of things. I see the heart. I see good where others see bad and I also see bad where others allow themselves to be charmed. A gift? Yes, I'm sure of it. Its just a gift that I have no idea how I'm suppose to be using.

Yet for the sake of my sanity, I have to NOT care. I have to not worry. Professionally and personally I have to feign indifference.

Expecting someone like me to be indifferent is like asking a giraffe to become a hippo.

This is a complete personality change for me. I'm working on it.

It is absolutley exhausting.

Thank you all for your support and comments. You're right. I know you're right. I'm letting go.

Again, it's exhausting.

It's not easy, but the right thing rarely is.

xo

I while back I posted my daily horoscope because it was so crazy-scary-dead-on of what has been going on in my life. It applied to my world in a professional sense. So many thing have been going on at work that are so far the opposite of fair, just and just plain right.

I'm actively looking for another job and I hate it. I don't like standing by and seeing what it has taken years to build destroyed within a few short months, but on the other hand I hate to throw away the past 16 years of work I've done personally toward retirement, pay, sick/vacation time, etc. I've thought about it, prayed about it, cried about it and lost sleep. No answers. No decisions. No idea of where to go from here.

Personally speaking, things are just as rough. My best friend has lost his ever loving mind. He has found a girlfriend. Initially, I cautioned him about this person. I've known her for years, as he has. He has seen the path of destruction she has created over time. She has been quiet for awhile and is now freshly divorced for the third or fourth time and is back on the scene. He is convinced she has changed... omg has she NOT.

She knows that I have been an influence in his life. She knows that he and I are the best of friends. So.. bingo, you got it. I'm the one she goes after with venom. It has been ugly. She even demanded that he delete me from his Myspace friends list. Stupid, stupid stuff. His daughter is in highschool. She even commented that this isn't highschool stuff, its more like fifth grade. I have to agree. I have tried to reach him to no avail. I've tried to ignore her, but she keeps sending stupid, hateful messages. At first, I just forwarded them to him so he could see first hand what kind of person she is. He didn't respond, so I don't even bother sending them to him anymore.

His daughter has just turned sixteen. She sits and cries to me about the changes in him. He is a single father, raising his daughter by himself. He has never put anything before her. Ever. Now, he essentially does nothing without girlfriend approval. He claims that he's making his own choices, but I find that hard to believe. Especially since the daughter and I have both heard the g/f screaming at him on the phone. She is psychotic.

I don't hate her for being the way she is, but my heart breaks over the way he is allowing her to have that control over him. I almost despise him for it.

In one of my last conversations/arguments with him, he said if it weren't for me and his daughter he'd be happy. He would never say this to his child's face, but yet he said it to me. I will never forget that.

He is not the same man anyone of us knew two months ago.

He's indecisive. Always has been. Combine that with a fear of being alone, throw in a control freak, jealous girlfriend... and turmoil is what happens.


Believe it or not, I'm truly leaving a whole lot out of this story. I can't even begin to tell you what kind of upstanding, respectable, integrity driven man he used to be


My horoscope for today reads:

For Sunday, February 3 - It's been difficult to muster up any significant enthusiasm for a change someone you love has made in their life -- either you don't believe they are moving in the right direction, or you are having trouble accepting who they have become. Either way, you need to figure out how to deal with it today. Decide once and for all if you are going to try to add your unsolicited two cents of advice. If you decide not to, then you should let it go once and for all.


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No matter what, I will mantain my relationship with his daughter. I have become like a mother to her over the years. In her own words, she said that. Her mother lives away from here and has very little to do with her. I'm the one she calls when she needs haircuts, picked up from school, all the girl things she doesn't know or understand... I've always done and helped her with. God love her, I won't abandon her. I have assured her I love her and will always be right here, no matter what happens with her dad. I don't have to be his friend to be hers.



I thought about reaching out one more time. I just don't know if I will.

Again, I've prayed about it, I've lost sleep over it, and I've cried.

Is it time?

Is today the day to just let it go?